Do you use the pronoun I more than 3,429 times per paragraph?
Do you namedrop a cool place you’ve been/person you met that is 21% too obscure for the publication you’re writing for?
Do you humblebrag?
Do you hide humblebrags inside self-deprecation inside anecdotes about your outsider status?
Is your You to Subject ratio 9.8 to 0.9?
Is your personality made of extreme opinions glued together with hair gel and sexy juice?
Are you lacking even a dollopdouche of self-awareness?
Do you Instagram?
Do you Instagram your swag because, you know, transparency!
Have you ever written this sentence?: Once, while doing lines off Kate Moss’ back I asked her what she thought of the whole skinny feels brouhaha.
Do you name check at least one obscure European philosopher and one 212-based rapper in each piece you write, despite possessing only a glossy knowledge of either?
If you answered yes to more than two of these questions, proceed directly to The Economist. Do not leave, ever.